Which Will Make me Small and What Will Make me Bigger?

So often I feel like a small person stuck in a fat person's body.  But the strangest part about it is that I have never been a small person.  Well, maybe when I was 6.  But I was a kid.  It was too long ago to remember so to me it doesn't count.

I realized today how important preparation is.  I was rushing and scrambling this morning to make sure I had all my food and had it all weighed out appropriately.  I made my turkey and cheese omelet, then packed it away in my Rubbermaid container for when I got to work.  In all the rushing I did this morning, I forgot my medication!  Nothing too totally important, just my anti-anxiety/anti-depression meds and my vitamin.  Lets hope this day does not get much more stressful than it is right now.

Not to mention, after being off work for 10 days, I couldn't find my shoes.  Sheesh!  Great start to my day.

I've been thinking about making a list of all the foods that I simply cannot have.  But right now it seems depressing to dwell on the forbidden...  It's like that Linkin Park song, Waiting for the End.

I know what it takes to move on
I know how it feels to lie
All I wanna do is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven’t got

 

I wish my body would work with me instead of against me.  But I know what it takes to move on and move forward.  I just have to let go. 

I don't know why I get so obsessed with the idea of wanting to be normal.  I see so many people who have managed to lose weight and be able to indulge occasionally and not suffer the way I do when I make the same choice.  It makes me jealous and angry that I will never be like that.  I mean, really...  What is wrong with wanting a frickin sandwich?

So it's day three into this journey.  I feel good.  Wishing I had my meds, but I'll live without them until this afternoon.

I'm anxious to get to Thursday.  Thursday will be my first time ever working with a personal trainer.  I'm undecided if I like her yet.  You know how you get a feeling about someone upon meeting them...  Well, I'm just not sure what it is.  Maybe once I spend more time with her, I'll figure it out.  I know she's been a personal trainer practically all her life.  To me this means =  I've been skinny all my life and never had to worry about actually having a weight problem.  I can't help but feel judged!  (even if it is all in my head).

Either way, I am looking forward to her experience and knowledge.  I've avoided this part for a long time.  It's time for me to actually be productive when I am working out and not just flailing around wasting my own time and not seeing the results like in the past.

This will be a good change.  And definitely one that is long overdue.