A Cookie???!!!???

I know it's been a while since my last post.  I am rockin this no carb thing.  I have been tempted and lately I've been wanting to cave, but I've stuck with it.  For all the sacrifices I've made, I am up 2 pounds as of this morning.  That's right.  I weighed 294 this morning.  I blamed the gain on my period that just ended a few days ago.  I've been retaining water like there's gonna be a drought.  I know stress plays a big part in my fluctuations too.  Work is stressing me out, but each day gets a little better. 

We have a board meeting tomorrow and I went down to Subway to order a sandwich platter for the meeting.  The lady behind the counter is from India and as a "Thank You" for the order, she gives me a cookie.  Not just any cookie, but a WHITE CHOCOLATE CHIP MACADAMIA NUT cookie.  Had to be my favorite, right? 

I haven't touched it yet.  But it's sitting on my desk staring at me.  Whispering sweet nothings...  LOL!

It's been 48 days.  I can't tell you how bad I want pizza right now.  Eating is becoming depressing.  Nothing tastes good anymore.  I have no cravings (unless it's for something bad).  Everything tastes wrong and all of the options I know I can eat sound nasty.  I know this is my addiction trying to find a weak spot in my wall of sobriety. 

I think it might have something to do with my birthday coming up.  In less than a month, I will be 30.  I want to celebrate, but how do I do that without food, cake, and ice cream?  Should I allow myself a small indulgence?  I don't know if I'm strong enough.  In 48 days, I have only lost 14 pounds as of right now.  I am now behind schedule for my year end goal. 

I do not want to play into this defeated mentality.  Even if I don't lose the weight, I know that I am doing this for my health (mental, physical, and emotional).  This is just something I need to do and that is what I have to remember.

I plan to pawn the cookie off to the first person who stops by my office.  In the meantime, it will sit there - tortured - because I REFUSE to eat it.  = ) 

DONUTS!!!!!!

Wrapping up January with a bang...  I had my first food dream last night and yup...  you guessed it...  It was about donuts.  They were just laying there.  I was hungry and it was time for breakfast and before I realized what I was doing, I had eaten the whole box.  I turn around and realize my husband had been standing behind me the whole time.  I asked him why he didn't stop me.  He told me that it looked like I was enjoying them...

Well of course I was enjoying them!!!  THEY ARE DONUTS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thankfully, I woke up from that nightmare and realized I had not gorged on donuts.  Not eating those intentional carbs is starting to feel like second nature again.  I am constantly surrounded by temptations.  This morning it was the girls eating cinnamon toast crunch.  I wanted a bite so bad, but then I realized I really didn't. 

I picked up some grapefruit at the store last night.  They looked so good, I had one for dinner last night.  I know I will have to limit them because they are very high in carbs.   25g's per serving, but about 4g's are fiber.  That's still more than I'd really like to take in, but it's fruit and not a candy bar.  We are in the midst of flu, cold, sinus, sick season and this sucker has 120% of my daily value of vitamin C...  Look Ms. Shell...  I took my vitamin today.  LOL!

Still sitting at 295.  But I really do feel like my clothes are feeling a bit looser.  I know I would feel loads better if I could get to the gym and get back into a routine.  My motivation lacks there.  I think deep down I'm scared to start exercising.  In the past, I get fiercely hungry after exercising.  Even if I opt for something healthy, the influx of extra calories keep me from losing.  I know I can't finish this journey without exercising.  I just wish it wouldn't make me so hungry when I did.  I have tried every trick in the book. 

Maybe someone out there has another suggestion I haven't tried yet.  I've tried eating a high protein meal before, after, and during my workout (drinking a protein shake instead of water while at the gym).  I literally become a bottomless pit when I leave the gym.  I've tried putting off eating as long as possible after workout and that is no better. 

I'll figure it out...  I'm just hoping it's sooner rather than later.  = )