Bipolar dieter? Probably...

I never understood how I can be so on one minute and so off the next.  Why is it so hard to stay motivated and keep with this? 

We are back at it again.  This time it's the "17 Day Diet" by Dr. Mike Moreno.  It's a practical approach to healthy eating, not just dieting.  We are on day 7 and I've had a much easier time sticking with this than with traditional diets. 

I am so burnt out on dieting.  I just want to be able to eat the right things, exercise, and be healthy.  I don't want to be tempted to eating the wrong things all the time and when I do have something I'm not supposed to have, I want to be able to control myself. 

This morning was a struggle.  The scale has been fluctuating the last 2 days and when the scale wants to go up, I want to give up.  But I had to remind myself that there is a reason for this.  My body is rebelling like it always does.  This was expected and there is not reason to give into it.  I'm thinking I might need to go to weighing every other day instead of every day.  Although, I know that when I do not weigh, I'm doing bad.  I need to make sure that if I don't weigh, that does not equate to me having an off eating day. 

I have a reason for my madness right now.  My sister...  finally...  is getting married!  She's asked me to be her matron of honor.  This means bridesmaid dress shopping...

Of course this is nothing close to what she wants...  But most bridesmaid dresses are totally strapless and plus sized women just do not look good in strapless dresses!!!  Dresses are also getting shorter too.  I'm not a big fan of my legs...  So I thought something long would better suit my body style.  I've been in a wedding before where I had a different dress than the other people and it made me feel more self conscious than just being overweight...

So I think I found a happy medium.  This one has thick straps and it's tea-length...  BUT the model is skinny!!!  How would I look in this dress???  Right now, I'm fairly sure I'd look like sh!t...  LOL!  But I've got until April 14th of next year to get in control of things. 

I am so scared of looking bad in this dress (or any dress!).  I know what works.  I just need to do it!  We are talking about getting back into the gym.  I was losing inches like crazy when I was taking spin classes regularly, but I didn't lose much weight. 

I've got to figure this out.  I'm so done with the dieting games...  I can do this!

How in the WORLD!?!?!?!?

When I was doing the "no intentional carb" thing at the beginning of the year, it took me 48 days to lose 18 pounds and then I was constantly fluctuating up and down 4 pounds those last 3 weeks.  I have fully committed myself to the Ideal Protein diet for the last 6 days and I am so super excited to report that I have lost 14 pounds in 6 DAYS!  NOT 48 DAYS, BUT 6!!!!!

So I think I found something that has helped me get through those moments when I want to eat something that is not on my plan.  Cheese is something that is a major weakness in me.  I've got a large block of sharp cheddar that I bought right before we started this and I haven't even been able to have a slice.  Every time I open the fridge, I want to reach in and cut off a little piece.  But then I stop and think...  Given all of the indulgences I've allowed myself my ENTIRE life, I've probably got some cheese still in me that I'm burning off right now because I'm choosing not to eat it.  LOL! 

It's a mental thing...  For me it is the mental images I can create to help deter me from being overwhelmed with the extreme denial of certain foods that I love so much.  Hey...  whatever works, right?

I have to say that I feel really good.  I'm sipping on a 100 calorie peach mango shake with a packet of fruit punch crystal light mixed in.  This is my breakfast today and I'm good with it.  The hunger pangs dissipated much quicker than they did last time and when I haven't eaten in a while, I don't feel like I'm gonna die like I did the week before.  The lack of carbs has leveled off my blood sugar really quickly and I'm sure my husband was happy that it happened relatively fast.  I can be a real bitch when my blood sugar levels are out of wack.  LOL!

So, back on track...  I still want to reach my goal of Onderland by the end of the year.  Since I decided to take a 3 month hiatus, my new goal is a loss of 3 pounds a week between now and then.  Considering I just lost 14 pounds in the last 6 days, I'm hoping that 3 pounds a week won't be too tough.

I am still determined to do this...  More now than ever, I think.

Starting Fresh... AGAIN.........

After 40 something days of being carb-free, I fell off...  BAD!  But I'm back on track now.  And best of all, Brandon is getting on the wagon with me.  We are doing the Ideal Protein plan.

 This plan is similar to what our bariatric surgeons put us on, but with more structure and guidance.  I was blessed to have an overweight nutritionist who just told me what to eat and what not to eat and that visit lasted all of about 15 minutes.  Sure, they suggested a few different brands of protein supplements, but honestly all of them tasted like ass.  I've struggled ever since with finding the right guidance and the best foods for my body.  Being insulin resistant, if I want to lose weight, I need really low carb.  But trying to find low carb products that are quick and easy is soooooo hard. 

I got so burned out on veggies and protein.  I mean, what other options did I have.  Everything else just has too many carbs...

My husband's little sister works for an orthopedist who just started a side business endorsing this product for weight loss.  It is not a quick fix.  It is quality protein supplements that are specially designed to be low carb, low calorie, yet tastes good, and is easily absorbed. 

Today makes day 1.  I've clocked about 800 calories and I'm feeling pretty good.  They have a pretty strict vitamin and mineral supplement schedule too which is really needed.  I suck at remembering to take vitamins. 

I know I said I was done wasting time, but I guess I was wrong.  I wasted another 3 months making poor choices and gaining back what it took me so long to lose. 

I'm not going to beat myself up.  I'm just going to do better.  Like Yoda always says:

A Cookie???!!!???

I know it's been a while since my last post.  I am rockin this no carb thing.  I have been tempted and lately I've been wanting to cave, but I've stuck with it.  For all the sacrifices I've made, I am up 2 pounds as of this morning.  That's right.  I weighed 294 this morning.  I blamed the gain on my period that just ended a few days ago.  I've been retaining water like there's gonna be a drought.  I know stress plays a big part in my fluctuations too.  Work is stressing me out, but each day gets a little better. 

We have a board meeting tomorrow and I went down to Subway to order a sandwich platter for the meeting.  The lady behind the counter is from India and as a "Thank You" for the order, she gives me a cookie.  Not just any cookie, but a WHITE CHOCOLATE CHIP MACADAMIA NUT cookie.  Had to be my favorite, right? 

I haven't touched it yet.  But it's sitting on my desk staring at me.  Whispering sweet nothings...  LOL!

It's been 48 days.  I can't tell you how bad I want pizza right now.  Eating is becoming depressing.  Nothing tastes good anymore.  I have no cravings (unless it's for something bad).  Everything tastes wrong and all of the options I know I can eat sound nasty.  I know this is my addiction trying to find a weak spot in my wall of sobriety. 

I think it might have something to do with my birthday coming up.  In less than a month, I will be 30.  I want to celebrate, but how do I do that without food, cake, and ice cream?  Should I allow myself a small indulgence?  I don't know if I'm strong enough.  In 48 days, I have only lost 14 pounds as of right now.  I am now behind schedule for my year end goal. 

I do not want to play into this defeated mentality.  Even if I don't lose the weight, I know that I am doing this for my health (mental, physical, and emotional).  This is just something I need to do and that is what I have to remember.

I plan to pawn the cookie off to the first person who stops by my office.  In the meantime, it will sit there - tortured - because I REFUSE to eat it.  = ) 

DONUTS!!!!!!

Wrapping up January with a bang...  I had my first food dream last night and yup...  you guessed it...  It was about donuts.  They were just laying there.  I was hungry and it was time for breakfast and before I realized what I was doing, I had eaten the whole box.  I turn around and realize my husband had been standing behind me the whole time.  I asked him why he didn't stop me.  He told me that it looked like I was enjoying them...

Well of course I was enjoying them!!!  THEY ARE DONUTS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thankfully, I woke up from that nightmare and realized I had not gorged on donuts.  Not eating those intentional carbs is starting to feel like second nature again.  I am constantly surrounded by temptations.  This morning it was the girls eating cinnamon toast crunch.  I wanted a bite so bad, but then I realized I really didn't. 

I picked up some grapefruit at the store last night.  They looked so good, I had one for dinner last night.  I know I will have to limit them because they are very high in carbs.   25g's per serving, but about 4g's are fiber.  That's still more than I'd really like to take in, but it's fruit and not a candy bar.  We are in the midst of flu, cold, sinus, sick season and this sucker has 120% of my daily value of vitamin C...  Look Ms. Shell...  I took my vitamin today.  LOL!

Still sitting at 295.  But I really do feel like my clothes are feeling a bit looser.  I know I would feel loads better if I could get to the gym and get back into a routine.  My motivation lacks there.  I think deep down I'm scared to start exercising.  In the past, I get fiercely hungry after exercising.  Even if I opt for something healthy, the influx of extra calories keep me from losing.  I know I can't finish this journey without exercising.  I just wish it wouldn't make me so hungry when I did.  I have tried every trick in the book. 

Maybe someone out there has another suggestion I haven't tried yet.  I've tried eating a high protein meal before, after, and during my workout (drinking a protein shake instead of water while at the gym).  I literally become a bottomless pit when I leave the gym.  I've tried putting off eating as long as possible after workout and that is no better. 

I'll figure it out...  I'm just hoping it's sooner rather than later.  = )

Failure is always an option, but it should never define who we are...

Coming up on the end of week 4 and somehow I managed to gain 4 pounds this week.  That's right...  I was 299.2 this morning.  And NO I have not eaten any intentional carbs...  I have stuck with my guns 100% with no slips.  I have actually found it easier to turn away temptations at this point.  I have gone 28 days with no carbs and I really do not want to have to start over again at one.

I must admit that some of my pants are feeling a bit looser, though.  I'm wearing a pair of dress pants today that at the beginning of the month felt like they were cutting off the circulation to the top half of my body.  No problems getting them on today...  EVEN after they had been washed and dried!!

I'm blaming the gain on stress...  This has been an UBER-stressful week for me.  This week I have not made the best choices in salad dressing either.  Damn Thousand Island!!!!!!!!!!  I guess it was a better choice than the pizza we had at Chuck E. Cheese's, though. 

Wednesday was our oldest daughter's 7th birthday.  This is the second time I have managed to resist the evil temptation of birthday cake this month.  I think I'm safe for February...  But March is a different story.  My 30th birthday is in March...  I would love to find an awesome alternative to birthday cake that still feels birthday-ee...  If you catch my drift.

I'm a little bummed with the setback this week, but I'm not letting myself get discouraged.  I've done great so far this month and little setbacks are bound to happen.  I'm thinking this weekend, I'm going to devote myself to protein shakes for breakfast and dinner and focus on getting lots of water.

My water intake seems to have alluded me this week.  I've been a major slacker there.  For me, this is extremely out of character.  I can easily drink a gallon of water a day and I think I'm barely getting 40 oz's.

Stating my goals here seem to help me quite a bit...  So I'm taking full advantage.  I want to feel like I'm floating by the end of each day next week.  WATER, WATER, WATER!!!!!!!!!!!  No more Thousand Island dressing!  Replace one meal with my protein shake...  either breakfast or dinner...  NO more skipping meals either (big problem this week).  Find better snacks...  Cheese is a sometimes food...  = )

That's all for today, folks! 

WHAT A DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Work was total hell today.  I am trying to do everything I can to not go get a pizza right now.  I made the mistake of not eating lunch and not eating much of breakfast.  I'm not really starving, but I just want carbs.  And I know I want them for all of the wrong reasons. 

We had this insane board meeting today and, I am regretful to say, the end was the termination of everyone's employment but mine.  I am now the sole employee of the ADRA.  WTF!

I am so in shock right now I don't even know how to process all of this.  It's like the punches just keep coming.  All of these little tests to see if I can stay on track or if I will give in and fail miserably.  I'm choosing to stick with it.  My determination is waivering, but I really want to continue with this.  I feel so much better when I am not so clouded by the affects of the carbs.  So I will press on.

Today marks the end of week 3.  21 days with no intentional carbs.  I am proud to say that I am down 13 pounds.

Week 3 weight: 295

Yay!  Gotta keep moving forward.  I do believe that everything happens for a reason.  I just wish I knew what the plan was...

Is This Month REALLY Half Way Over???

Starting day 16 on my new "intentional carb-free" life, I am feeling really good about my choices this week.  We went out to eat WAY too much, but I made really good choices the entire time.  Well...  Maybe I shouldn't have gone for the Thousand Island so much.  But either way, I feel good that I resisted temptation.

This morning, I'm definitely stalling though.  I'm sipping on a protein coffee with almond milk and Truvia sweetener.  I should be working on PowerPoint presentations for my final exams for my classes, but I am definitely stalling. 

I don't think I could have gotten through this week the way I did if I had been numbed out on carbs.  There were so many times I wanted to give in.  Especially yesterday.  We went out to eat at one of my favorite restaurants, (i love my husband, dearly) but I kept feeling the "justifications" from him as to why I should cheat a little.  "If you don't allow yourself a little cheat every now and again, when you do blow it, you'll blow it big."  This is sooooo not helping right now.  I know he's trying to help and he is being really supportive, but I'm not sure he really fully understands the seriousness of my addiction to carbs.  I did allow myself a little treat by having some of the appetizers.  1/2 an avocado egg roll, 1/2 of a spring roll, and 1 mozzarella cheese stick.  All of it had been fried and my stomach was FLIPPING after eating that.  There was no rice or anything "carby" in them other than the outside.  I ordered the soup and salad lunch.  House salad with broccoli and cheese soup.  I pulled the croutons off again and gave them to my little one, but never even touched the salad.  I only managed to eat about 1/4th of the bowl of soup before I felt sick to my stomach.  All the fried appetizers were not sitting well on my tummy.  I was definitely feeling a little green after that.  I stopped and asked for to-go boxes.

After we left, we had to bring my sister to the airport so she could go back home.  Before we got on the road, she wanted to stop by a bakery to pick up some King Cakes and a Doberge cake to bring home.

Brandon got a big cup of Gelato.

I didn't want to know what everyone else got.  I balled up my jacket, turned toward the window and went to sleep.  I wanted a buttercream bar soooooo bad, I could taste it.  They have a whole sugar free selection, but it was just too tempting. 

I got through it.  Just barely...  but I made it!

End of week 2 weigh-in was 299.  100 pounds left and 50 weeks to go.  I am really hoping I can keep up the trend of 2 pounds a week.  I just need to keep my goal in sight and remember how far I've come. 

I'm gonna do this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I'm gonna do this for me!!!!!!!!!!

Did I Ever Mention that I HATE Rollercoasters??

Actually, I like rollercoasters.  It's the emotional ones that I absolutely hate...

So, I haven't updated in a few days.  I can just imagine all of you sitting on the edge of your seats waiting for a new post; wondering if I have fallen off or if I managed to stick with it through all of this drama.  I am proud to say that I have stuck with it 100%.  Today makes day 14. 

Of course my body is doing what it always does when I decide to get back on track.  I will lose good for the first week and then the second week I will lose nothing.  This is when I get discouraged and give up.  At the beginning of this week, I made it to 299.  Mother nature, Aunt Flo, the crimson tide...  whatever you want to call it...  made me fluctuate back up to 301, but I stuck with it and this morning I was 299 again.  That makes a total of 9 pounds in 2 weeks.  We are right on track!

Here's what I've been up to.  My sister flew in from Maryland last Saturday to help me with trying to deal with the situation with my grandfather.  I have been a wreck, emotionally.  I feel like I have managed to make it on everyone's shit-list this week and I haven't done anything wrong... 

SERIOUSLY!!!

This is not a game.  This is my life and I am so tired of playing sides.  I don't want to have to pick and choose who I get to love.  Dysfunctional families suck!

Well, my grandfather passed away on Wednesday.  I can't help but be a bit envious considering he doesn't have to deal with all of the drama.  Today we will have a private family viewing for about an hour.  I am curious to see how things will play out.  I am struggling right now with resisting the urge to stuff my face with whatever carb I come across first, but I recognize that this is just my way of wanting to not feel the anxiety and other emotions that I feel totally flooded with right now.  I have my sister to help me and for that I am thankful.  It may not seem like it, but I really needed her this week. 

If I can get through the next 2 days, I think I will be ok.  I have come so far already.  We have been out to eat numerous times and I have proved to myself and everyone else that I can make good choices when we go out without resorting to a little cheat.  Last night I got a chicken salad but forgot to tell the waitress no croutons.  At first, I figured I would just eat them...  no big deal, right?...  WRONG!  I knew if I had those croutons, it would open the floodgates of HELL and allow a piece of Coca-Cola cake for dessert to slip in.  So I gave the croutons to my youngest daughter who wanted a salad too and traded her for some of her chicken since I knew she wouldn't eat it all.  Knowing that the child loves croutons, she was more than happy to make the switch.  

Yes...  I am sticking with it.  Yes...  I am still here.  Yes...  I'm gonna need a vacation after all of this. 

Food is Fuel, Not a Friend

I often think of Bruce (the shark from Finding Nemo) when I remind myself that food is fuel and not a friend.

My first reaction when I am stressed out is to turn to the fridge or pantry and get something carby to numb me out.  Plain and simple, sugar is a drug to me.  I may not be your everyday run-of-the-mill junkie, but when it comes to sugar, I have absolutely no self control.  Like Bruce, one little sniff of Dory's bloody nose sent him on a frenzy.  Sugar does the same thing to me.  One bite and I have given myself permission to go on a bender. 

For me, being addicted to sugar is just like being a drug addict or alcoholic.  An alcoholic can't have just one drink and then be okay.  I am not just on a diet.  I am working toward a sense of sobriety. 

Dealing with losing my grandfather and all of the drama surrounding it has really made me understand how much I really depend on sugar to get me through those tough times.  By numbing out like that, I am not capable of feeling my own raw emotions and learning to actually deal with them.  I know that if I can get through all of this without slipping, then I can get through anything without sugar and carbs and food. 

Food is fuel, not my friend.  I do not need food as a buffer or a lubricant in order to cope with my problems and deal with my feelings. 

Yesterday was very tough emotionally and trying to explain all of that while crying was just too hard.  I figured that if I blogged about it, all of this might be easier to understand. 

I just can't eat a piece of cake and then go dance it off...  It's just not that simple anymore.  I wish it was, but it's not.

Creative Thinking Exercise in a Hospital Cafeteria

Just close your eyes and imagine yourself, a carb-aholic, walking into a smorgasbord of carbohydrates.  What do you do?  How do you feel?  I look in front of me and see a deli counter with all sorts of freshly baked breads - ciabatta bread, swirling rye, and potato rolls as big as my head.  Walk past that counter and see the next one.  This one is full of entrees.  Not so bad except for the mountain of white potatoes, pasta, and loads of other foods with who knows what's in them!  Turn to the next wall and there is a WALL-O-SODA fountain...  geez.  In the center of it all are bunch of spinny racks with little buckets of every kind of sugary cereal you can possibly imagine.  Off to the side there is a deep freeze filled to the brim with every kind of frozen popsicle, fudge pop, and drumstick known to man!

By this time, I'm starving.  I had only had my omelet and here it was almost 6:30pm.  I NEEDED to eat!  What do I do?  Give in and just eat what I can?  I can't!!!!!!!  I've come so far!!!  I don't want to start all over!

 
Off to the side in a small refrigerated unit, through the single glass door, I see a glimmer of hope.  SALAD!!!!!  All they had was Caesar salad or chicken Caesar salad.  The chicken looked gross and processed.  At the top of the unit, they had some chicken salad and off to the side, I found one container of tuna salad.  YES!!!  I hit the jackpot!  I grabbed the regular Caesar salad and the tuna and ran for the checkout line.

Tossed the Caesar dressing.  Tossed the croutons.  Tossed the MOUNTAIN of shredded Parmesan cheese to reveal a nice bed of romaine lettuce.  I dumped the tuna on top and mixed it all in and I ate a little less than 1/2 of that before I was full.

Whew............

What a relief that was over. 

Being away from home and not having a planned and pre-prepared meal with me made things difficult when faced with a spontaneous trip out to get something to eat.  But it goes to show you, there is always a good option somewhere in there.  I literally had to put blinders on after I had seen what else was in there.

I have decided to adopt this image as my spokesman for bad carbs...  LOL!  Although the pentacle on his hat is wrong...  It should be a pentagram - which should be upside down. 

Even though the situation was tough; being at the hospital with my dying grandfather and drama-stricken family.  I managed to pull through and make a good choice in the end.  It was one I could be proud of.  Now I think about the repercussions of what it might have been like had I made a different choice and how that might have affected my ability to grieve.  The selfishly induced guilt clouding my ability to truly feel the emotions of the situation...  Not worth it.  Totally not worth it.

Today makes day 7.  So far so good!  Stress has always played a huge factor in my weight loss (or lack thereof).  But I can proudly say that I have lost 6 pounds over the course of this week - putting me right on track with my goal of 2 pounds a week for 52 weeks.

Day 7 weight: 302

Change of Plans...

I had this great post ready last night, but blogspot wasn't cooperating last night.  So I my post all ready for this morning...  But then I got a phone call that halted it all.

My Grandfather is in the hospital.  He's been in and out since before Thanksgiving.  He is one of the millions of people who suffer with Alzheimer's disease.  He will be 90 years old in April.  He was admitted into the MICU on Saturday and as of this morning, has slipped into a coma.

I was scheduled to have my first personal trainer session today, but in light of this recent development, I feel like I need to be there this afternoon (despite all of the drama that it might entail).

I am following my eating plan to a T and have managed to avoid any intentional carbs.  I did have a little less than 1/2 a cup of sweet potatoes with dinner last night, but that is the most starchy thing I have eaten all week.  I am beginning to notice that I am no where near as hungry as I was this time last week and I am starting to wonder if I am actually eating enough.  I have only lost about 1/2 a pound in the last 2 days, but didn't lose anything from yesterday.  I'm not getting discouraged.  I know this stress is not helping, but I refuse to give in to the urge.

I am sticking with this and I am absolutely determined!

Realizing The Dream

I hate math.  But when it comes to to weight loss, I find myself OBSESSED!  My New Year's Resolution this year was to commit myself 365 days to eating right and exercising.  Because of my apparent addiction to foods that are high in carbohydrates, I decided to give them up completely.  No exception.

This blog will serve as the (hopefully) daily recount of the next 365 days and then next year we will go from there. 

So where does the math come in?

A rate of healthy weight loss is about 2 pounds a week.  From the beginning of the year I need to lose 109 pounds to reach ONEderland.  If I apply that average of 2 pounds a week and divide it by the number of pounds I need to lose, that equals about 54 weeks.  Of course there are 52 weeks in a year, so I am hoping that I can lose enough during this detox week to put me right on track.

Who knows if I'll actually lose 2 pounds a week but it gives me something to aim for.  This type of weekly goal doesn't seem too unreasonable.  AND focusing on 2 pounds each week instead of 109 seems much less intimidating.

This is going to make for an interesting year. 

Where does it all go?

Albert Einstein is one of my all time favorite people, ever!  And not just because we share a birthday which is actually the short version of Pi (3.14).  = P

One of my favorite quotes by him is, "When you look at yourself from a universal standpoint, something inside always reminds or informs you that there are bigger and better things to worry about."

But looking at things from a universal standpoint when you are trying to lose weight, it raises the question, where does it all go? 

A calorie is a unit of energy.  If we are burning calories, that sure is a lot of energy floating around out there.  I know that our bodies use this energy to fuel it's cells, but seriously, when you think about it, it's tough to wrap your head around the whole process. 

I was thinking about that quote when I was laying in bed last night.  With all the stress I have had in the last few months, it all pales in comparison to some of the bigger problems that other people may face.  And so, I began to count my blessings...  This made me feel loads better.

Then I wake up this morning to my phone alerting me I have emails!  All of them from the wonderful people who have been cheering me on.  Needless to say, it was a great way to start my day. 

So, today... (I'm off work.  Kids don't start school until tomorrow and hubby had to work early this morning)...  I'm going to go to the gym and focus on the energy that I plan to give to the universe.  I want that energy to be a positive force and so that is what I will strive for today.

There is so much to be said for looking at life from a universal standpoint.  We are all so small in the grand scheme of things.  (It's the only time I get to think of myself as tiny).  = P

Thanks Albert for your wisdom and inspiration!!!

Oh... The Triggers of Temptation

The stress my family produces is one of the biggest triggers for me to overload on carbs.  It is physically clear that 2010 has been one of my most stressful years in a long time.  In my mind, families should not be so complicated, but logically and realistically I know that's not true.

The worst thing about my family drama is that it has nothing to do with me, but has to do with which members of my family I associate with.  This just seems petty to me and not a reason to isolate me from the people that I care about.  Such is life...  Right?

Today was tough.  Work was nothing compared to the level of overwhelming emotional stress that I went through this afternoon.  However, I recognized this trigger and resisted the urge to eat everything in sight.  This is a good step for me, considering I have spent the last year turning to the fridge for comfort in those desperate times of need.  I stared temptation in the face and made the right choice to have faith in myself for a change. 

As much as I love my family, I realize I have to come first sometimes.  I have to come to terms that my decisions will not please everyone 100% of the time and I think I am okay with that. 

Whatever everyone else decides is up to them.  I have always tried to stay true to myself.  Right now more than ever, I need to focus on me instead of all of the petty BS that goes on around me. 

I know avoiding drama is totally not possible, but I figured because this is something that I cannot control and shouldn't have to control, I should just do what I can and then just turn the rest over to my "higher power" and try to move past it.

Which Will Make me Small and What Will Make me Bigger?

So often I feel like a small person stuck in a fat person's body.  But the strangest part about it is that I have never been a small person.  Well, maybe when I was 6.  But I was a kid.  It was too long ago to remember so to me it doesn't count.

I realized today how important preparation is.  I was rushing and scrambling this morning to make sure I had all my food and had it all weighed out appropriately.  I made my turkey and cheese omelet, then packed it away in my Rubbermaid container for when I got to work.  In all the rushing I did this morning, I forgot my medication!  Nothing too totally important, just my anti-anxiety/anti-depression meds and my vitamin.  Lets hope this day does not get much more stressful than it is right now.

Not to mention, after being off work for 10 days, I couldn't find my shoes.  Sheesh!  Great start to my day.

I've been thinking about making a list of all the foods that I simply cannot have.  But right now it seems depressing to dwell on the forbidden...  It's like that Linkin Park song, Waiting for the End.

I know what it takes to move on
I know how it feels to lie
All I wanna do is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven’t got

 

I wish my body would work with me instead of against me.  But I know what it takes to move on and move forward.  I just have to let go. 

I don't know why I get so obsessed with the idea of wanting to be normal.  I see so many people who have managed to lose weight and be able to indulge occasionally and not suffer the way I do when I make the same choice.  It makes me jealous and angry that I will never be like that.  I mean, really...  What is wrong with wanting a frickin sandwich?

So it's day three into this journey.  I feel good.  Wishing I had my meds, but I'll live without them until this afternoon.

I'm anxious to get to Thursday.  Thursday will be my first time ever working with a personal trainer.  I'm undecided if I like her yet.  You know how you get a feeling about someone upon meeting them...  Well, I'm just not sure what it is.  Maybe once I spend more time with her, I'll figure it out.  I know she's been a personal trainer practically all her life.  To me this means =  I've been skinny all my life and never had to worry about actually having a weight problem.  I can't help but feel judged!  (even if it is all in my head).

Either way, I am looking forward to her experience and knowledge.  I've avoided this part for a long time.  It's time for me to actually be productive when I am working out and not just flailing around wasting my own time and not seeing the results like in the past.

This will be a good change.  And definitely one that is long overdue.

Diving Deep into the Rabbit Hole

And I'm eating like one too...  This is tonight's dinner.  Baked chicken tenders, marinated in lemon juice, minced garlic, majoram, and lemon pepper - sliced up on a bed of fresh baby greens - mixed with some avacado, cucumber, and mushroom - topped with Wish Bone's Fat Free Italian dressing. 

Total carbs: 9g
Total fat: 5g
Total protein: 25g

Total calories: 184

I must admit, I was a bit hesitant to buy ANYTHING listed as Fat Free...  Especially salad dressing.  But I was pleased that this one was definitely not lacking in flavor. 

This salad is a VAST improvement from my more recent salads.  I think I had more croutons than salad and enough Thousand Island dressing to make it soup instead.  I've never been one for mushrooms either.  But this being a new year, I figured it was time to start trying new things. 

I made a pit-stop to Walmart after the gym this afternoon and while I was there, I bought a digital scale.  This thing is awesome.  It takes all the guess work out of trying to figure out portions and calorie content.  I use Sparkpeople.com to add up my calories and keep track of my meals.

It has been tough this afternoon.  This is the second day in a row where I didn't have lunch planned and just sorta snacked through lunch.  I made sure to choose healthy things with low carb count since carbs seem to be a big problem food for me.  I know there's a big difference in carbs and that some carbs are important for brain function...  blah blah blah...  The carbs I refer to are ones I call "intentional carbs" or my favorite, "carbage."  For me, intentional carbs are foods that are high in carbs, high in calories, and have little to no nutritional value. Unfortunately, I intentionally eat them for that purpose...  bread, cookies, crackers, cake, candy, chocolate!, ice cream - Basically everything that I know I shouldn't eat. 

Coming off a year long carb high, detoxing (yet again) wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be.  Keeping busy helps.  Being off of work definitely helps.  Being on break from school also helps.  But tomorrow, life starts again full force.  Back to work.  Back to school.

Work has been extra special stressful these last few months.  This has definitely contributed to my stress eating.  I need to find a more productive way of dealing with that stress - a way that does not include taking up smoking as a substitute for food!!  I am hoping that this is where exercise will come in.  I know going back to work after being out for 10 days, I will have a lot to stress over.  I plan to head to the gym immediately after and hope this anticipation will help ward off the carb demon.

Tomorrow will definitely be the test.

Well.....

...  It wasn't so bad.  Of course a bit intimidating.  As soon as I walk in, I see this beast.  I mean it looks kinda like an elliptical.  I used to be able to do an hour...  easy... on an elliptical.  So off I go to conquer the beast.



OMG!!!  I set the timer for 30 minutes...  I managed to do 10 minutes and that was about 9 minutes too much!!!

The girls were suprizingly good for me.  Since they do not offer child care, they do have a table and stools set up so the kids can sit quietly and color.  I was worried, but they were really good. 

All in all, I was there for about 30 minutes.  After my 12 minutes on the beast (+2 minute cool down), I did some of the other machines that looked slightly familiar.  It felt good to be moving again.

After the gym, we hit up the fruit stand to get my 2 weeks worth of fruits and veggies and then Whole Foods to get a few other things.  I have everything I need to set me up for success.

The biggest question is........  can I stick with it?

I'm hoping so.

Working up the nerve...

After a year long vacation from the gym, I'm all dressed and ready to go.  Yet here I am, wasting time deciding at the last minute to start a BLOG!  I am a blog virgin so go gentle on me. 

A little about me...  I'm Lauren.  My weightloss journey started when I was 10.  It has been a downhill battle since day one!  UNTIL...  June 5, 2007.  I underwent weightloss surgery.  I had the Verticle Sleeve Gastrectomy.  My highest weight was 425.  The lowest I got to was 236 on May 22, 2009.  Since then, I have fought with no success (and little willpower on my behalf) to maintain that weight. 

On the last day of 2010, I weighed in at a whopping 308 pounds.  With the next day the start of a new year, I decided to recommit myself to this journey. 

So...  now I am working up the nerve to walk out that door with my 2 kids in tow and go to the gym.

Wish me luck!