The Waiting Game...

So it's official!!!  In the past few months, I have been making all of the arrangements to have the Duodenal Switch!  In my last post, I talked about my consultation.  After that, I went through the standard stuff.  I had to see my Psychiatrist to get clearance and submit that back to Dr. Davis' office.  It took me a few weeks to get an appointment to see her, but she didn't have any problems clearing me for surgery.  Within 5 days of faxing over my letter of clearance, I got an email telling me I had been approved for surgery!  I was at work when I received the message and I wanted to cry!

Then came the hard part.  How much was it going to cost me???  They called to discuss all of the payment details.  My insurance would only cover 80%, so that left me to cover the remaining 20%.  All during the conversation, I'm seeing these random green numbers flying around in front of me like a bad Matrix code.  After adding up all the expenses, I'm looking at $3500, at least...  So we've been saving since and I'm hopeful that we will have what we need.

After that came scheduling!  I have a date!  October 11, 2012!!!  10.11.12!!!  Couldn't have planned it better myself.  57 days until my date!

I'm excited and nervous.  This is uncharted territory for me and I'm not sure what to expect.  I have so many goals, but at the same time, I don't want to be unrealistic.  I've been on message boards where people really down talk people who had the sleeve first and then have the DS afterward.  Stating that they don't lose or they lose very slowly.  I can't afford to be one of those people.

6 weeks ago, I fell and fractured my ankle.  I was so lucky that it wasn't completely broken or that it would have required surgery to fix.  But I've been in a cast for the last 6 weeks and limping around has put a horrible strain on my entire body.  I can't stand for more than 10 minutes.  I can't walk for more than 10 minutes.  The cast comes off tomorrow and I will be so scared to step on the scale on Friday and see what damage I've done by not being able to move.  The horrible thing is that it's not my ankle that hurts so much when I move around.  It's everything else.  My knees, hips, and back...  Of course I can feel the strain it puts on my ankle, but it's minor compared to everything else. 

That is a big reason to need this.  Next time this happens (and it will probably happen again...), I might not be so lucky as a simple fracture.  And at 345 pounds, I don't want to risk it.  But more so, I want to be the person I was 3 years ago.  When I was at my lowest weight, I was outgoing and confident.  I want to be that person again.  My goal was to never be skinny.  I just wanted to be comfortable with myself and be the person I knew I was inside.  That was the closest I ever got to her and even then, she wasn't all the way out.  So that's going to be my new goal this time.  I want to get to her and hold on.  I want to find the girl I buried in all of these protective layers and tell her it's ok now.  The coast is clear.  You are more than capable of taking control now.  No one hurts you unless you give them permission to.  And most of all, you deserve to be happy.

I have a goal.  I have a mission.  I will get there.

I will post pictures...   : )

Time to Get Real... Again...

So I've been struggling.  Way too much...  Losing weight should not be this hard.  I know my efforts are nowhere near as committed as they were 5 years ago.  But the more I diet, I lose just a little to gain back even more.  I cannot begin to imagine the damage I have done on my metabolism by trying a new fad diet practically 6 times a year for the last 22 years.  It's just not right.

My body just doesn't work.  It does not process food like it should.  For me to lose weight, I have to be drastic.  Total deprivation of all carbs and limit calories to less than 1000 per day.  Who can live like that?  I know I can't...  From LOADS of experience.

So, I have decided to have a revision to my weight loss surgery.  I currently have the Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy and I will be adding the Duodenal Switch component to help my body work right again.  If I knew then what I knew now, I probably would have done this from the beginning.  But I didn't know I was insulin resistant and that I had a metabolic disorder.  But I know these things now and I feel like this is the best choice for me to get healthy and stay healthy once and for all!!!!!!

So I've had a consultation with Dr. Garth Davis in Houston, TX.  Drove 5 hours there and back just to visit with him and his staff (which were fantastic).  Things are moving pretty quickly.  All I need is a letter from my psychiatrist saying that she clears me for surgery and then they can submit the request to insurance for approval.  In the meantime, he wants us eating whole foods and limit processed foods.  That's what we've been doing for the last week.

NOW...  I just have to figure out how to save the money for the deductible, hotel stay, and other expenses.  I figure we need about $2000 for everything.  This is a bit overwhelming as things keep coming up that prevent us from saving like we want to.  Since we got home, I've been siphoning the bank account where I can.  $10 here...  $20 there...  So in the week since we've been back, I've managed to put away almost $50!  Not even close, but every $$$ counts!!!

Weight on 5/23/12 at consult with Dr. Davis: 345
Weight as of this morning 5/28/12: 339.6 

New Year... New Efforts!

Back at it yet again!!!

I have to say, no matter how many times I try, at least I'm still trying!  LOL!  One day I'll get it right and make it to goal.  In the meantime, I'm just going to keep at it!

I am a stress eater and needless to say, I have been under an extreme amount of stress over the last year or so.  So...  I'm FINALLY in therapy to help me deal and learn new coping methods (rather than turning to food for comfort).  I'm limiting carbs again and sticking to Atkins (although I need to tweak this a bit more). 

AND I'm working really hard to incorporate exercise.  I've been on the spin bike for the last week and I'm LOVING it again!!!  I forgot how much I missed it!

So, with new resolve and a pinch of motivation, I'm at it again. 

Bipolar dieter? Probably...

I never understood how I can be so on one minute and so off the next.  Why is it so hard to stay motivated and keep with this? 

We are back at it again.  This time it's the "17 Day Diet" by Dr. Mike Moreno.  It's a practical approach to healthy eating, not just dieting.  We are on day 7 and I've had a much easier time sticking with this than with traditional diets. 

I am so burnt out on dieting.  I just want to be able to eat the right things, exercise, and be healthy.  I don't want to be tempted to eating the wrong things all the time and when I do have something I'm not supposed to have, I want to be able to control myself. 

This morning was a struggle.  The scale has been fluctuating the last 2 days and when the scale wants to go up, I want to give up.  But I had to remind myself that there is a reason for this.  My body is rebelling like it always does.  This was expected and there is not reason to give into it.  I'm thinking I might need to go to weighing every other day instead of every day.  Although, I know that when I do not weigh, I'm doing bad.  I need to make sure that if I don't weigh, that does not equate to me having an off eating day. 

I have a reason for my madness right now.  My sister...  finally...  is getting married!  She's asked me to be her matron of honor.  This means bridesmaid dress shopping...

Of course this is nothing close to what she wants...  But most bridesmaid dresses are totally strapless and plus sized women just do not look good in strapless dresses!!!  Dresses are also getting shorter too.  I'm not a big fan of my legs...  So I thought something long would better suit my body style.  I've been in a wedding before where I had a different dress than the other people and it made me feel more self conscious than just being overweight...

So I think I found a happy medium.  This one has thick straps and it's tea-length...  BUT the model is skinny!!!  How would I look in this dress???  Right now, I'm fairly sure I'd look like sh!t...  LOL!  But I've got until April 14th of next year to get in control of things. 

I am so scared of looking bad in this dress (or any dress!).  I know what works.  I just need to do it!  We are talking about getting back into the gym.  I was losing inches like crazy when I was taking spin classes regularly, but I didn't lose much weight. 

I've got to figure this out.  I'm so done with the dieting games...  I can do this!

How in the WORLD!?!?!?!?

When I was doing the "no intentional carb" thing at the beginning of the year, it took me 48 days to lose 18 pounds and then I was constantly fluctuating up and down 4 pounds those last 3 weeks.  I have fully committed myself to the Ideal Protein diet for the last 6 days and I am so super excited to report that I have lost 14 pounds in 6 DAYS!  NOT 48 DAYS, BUT 6!!!!!

So I think I found something that has helped me get through those moments when I want to eat something that is not on my plan.  Cheese is something that is a major weakness in me.  I've got a large block of sharp cheddar that I bought right before we started this and I haven't even been able to have a slice.  Every time I open the fridge, I want to reach in and cut off a little piece.  But then I stop and think...  Given all of the indulgences I've allowed myself my ENTIRE life, I've probably got some cheese still in me that I'm burning off right now because I'm choosing not to eat it.  LOL! 

It's a mental thing...  For me it is the mental images I can create to help deter me from being overwhelmed with the extreme denial of certain foods that I love so much.  Hey...  whatever works, right?

I have to say that I feel really good.  I'm sipping on a 100 calorie peach mango shake with a packet of fruit punch crystal light mixed in.  This is my breakfast today and I'm good with it.  The hunger pangs dissipated much quicker than they did last time and when I haven't eaten in a while, I don't feel like I'm gonna die like I did the week before.  The lack of carbs has leveled off my blood sugar really quickly and I'm sure my husband was happy that it happened relatively fast.  I can be a real bitch when my blood sugar levels are out of wack.  LOL!

So, back on track...  I still want to reach my goal of Onderland by the end of the year.  Since I decided to take a 3 month hiatus, my new goal is a loss of 3 pounds a week between now and then.  Considering I just lost 14 pounds in the last 6 days, I'm hoping that 3 pounds a week won't be too tough.

I am still determined to do this...  More now than ever, I think.

Starting Fresh... AGAIN.........

After 40 something days of being carb-free, I fell off...  BAD!  But I'm back on track now.  And best of all, Brandon is getting on the wagon with me.  We are doing the Ideal Protein plan.

 This plan is similar to what our bariatric surgeons put us on, but with more structure and guidance.  I was blessed to have an overweight nutritionist who just told me what to eat and what not to eat and that visit lasted all of about 15 minutes.  Sure, they suggested a few different brands of protein supplements, but honestly all of them tasted like ass.  I've struggled ever since with finding the right guidance and the best foods for my body.  Being insulin resistant, if I want to lose weight, I need really low carb.  But trying to find low carb products that are quick and easy is soooooo hard. 

I got so burned out on veggies and protein.  I mean, what other options did I have.  Everything else just has too many carbs...

My husband's little sister works for an orthopedist who just started a side business endorsing this product for weight loss.  It is not a quick fix.  It is quality protein supplements that are specially designed to be low carb, low calorie, yet tastes good, and is easily absorbed. 

Today makes day 1.  I've clocked about 800 calories and I'm feeling pretty good.  They have a pretty strict vitamin and mineral supplement schedule too which is really needed.  I suck at remembering to take vitamins. 

I know I said I was done wasting time, but I guess I was wrong.  I wasted another 3 months making poor choices and gaining back what it took me so long to lose. 

I'm not going to beat myself up.  I'm just going to do better.  Like Yoda always says:

A Cookie???!!!???

I know it's been a while since my last post.  I am rockin this no carb thing.  I have been tempted and lately I've been wanting to cave, but I've stuck with it.  For all the sacrifices I've made, I am up 2 pounds as of this morning.  That's right.  I weighed 294 this morning.  I blamed the gain on my period that just ended a few days ago.  I've been retaining water like there's gonna be a drought.  I know stress plays a big part in my fluctuations too.  Work is stressing me out, but each day gets a little better. 

We have a board meeting tomorrow and I went down to Subway to order a sandwich platter for the meeting.  The lady behind the counter is from India and as a "Thank You" for the order, she gives me a cookie.  Not just any cookie, but a WHITE CHOCOLATE CHIP MACADAMIA NUT cookie.  Had to be my favorite, right? 

I haven't touched it yet.  But it's sitting on my desk staring at me.  Whispering sweet nothings...  LOL!

It's been 48 days.  I can't tell you how bad I want pizza right now.  Eating is becoming depressing.  Nothing tastes good anymore.  I have no cravings (unless it's for something bad).  Everything tastes wrong and all of the options I know I can eat sound nasty.  I know this is my addiction trying to find a weak spot in my wall of sobriety. 

I think it might have something to do with my birthday coming up.  In less than a month, I will be 30.  I want to celebrate, but how do I do that without food, cake, and ice cream?  Should I allow myself a small indulgence?  I don't know if I'm strong enough.  In 48 days, I have only lost 14 pounds as of right now.  I am now behind schedule for my year end goal. 

I do not want to play into this defeated mentality.  Even if I don't lose the weight, I know that I am doing this for my health (mental, physical, and emotional).  This is just something I need to do and that is what I have to remember.

I plan to pawn the cookie off to the first person who stops by my office.  In the meantime, it will sit there - tortured - because I REFUSE to eat it.  = )